My Human Is Broken — Refund Denied!
Case #001: Teddy versus the Manufacturer. An entirely unofficial customer-service transcript.
Contains strong language and a deeply unreliable warranty assessment.
Teddy
Dear Customer Service, my human is broken. He talks to himself, laughs uncontrollably, loses his keys while they’re in his pocket, and insists he’s running on factory-installed DMT. I would like a full refund.
Customer Service
Dear Teddy, unfortunately your human is sixty-two years old and well outside the manufacturer’s warranty period. Our records show several aftermarket parts and questionable software updates. Refund denied. Please continue loving him as supplied.
Teddy
WHAT DO YOU MEAN REFUND DENIED?! This thing has a bad back, makes weird noises getting out of bed, and needs coffee before it’ll even start!
Customer Service
Sir, that is not a defect. That is a vintage model.
Teddy
VINTAGE?! THE FUCKING THING IS FALLING APART!
Customer Service
Have you tried turning him off and back on again?
Teddy
I TRIED! HE JUST STARTED SNORING!
Teddy
Can I at least exchange him for a younger model?
Customer Service
Unfortunately, sir, you have already bonded with this unit.
Teddy
FUCK. I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE LICKED HIS FACE.
Teddy
Fine. What about the extended warranty?
Customer Service
That expired when his knees started making popcorn noises.
Teddy
Can I at least get a loaner human while he’s being repaired?
Customer Service
Certainly. Would you prefer a younger, more athletic model?
Teddy
Nah. Does the new one share his fucking sandwiches?
Customer Service
No, sir.
Teddy
THEN FORGET IT! I’M KEEPING THE BROKEN ONE!
Customer Service
Sir, are you absolutely certain?
Teddy
OF COURSE, YOU IDIOT. HE’S MY BROKEN HUMAN.
Customer Service
We have also received a complaint from your human: excessive barking, unauthorized squirrel pursuit, and repeatedly launching recreational equipment downhill.
Teddy
THAT’S NORMAL DOG BEHAVIOUR, YOU IDIOT!
Customer Service
And your human laughing at his own jokes is normal human behaviour.
Teddy
...Fine. Close the fucking ticket.
CASE CLOSED
Two defective units. Neither eligible for return.
Dad still shares his sandwiches. Teddy still loves his human.